If you read this. . .

I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt you or make you cry.

You could ask me a millions times but I'm still not sure why.

Getting things to a straight line.

Facing the facts of your mistakes, wrong do-ings, and even some lies is not just a tough thing to do but you have to gain the courage to admit to yourself that you have done wrong.  No one else is at fault. No one else to blame.  No fingers can be pointed.

The fact is, none of your mistakes will ever go away.  You simply have to fix them.  That much I've learned.  That much I have swallowed and carried in my backpack through time.  Time, that's another part of this process.  Time is the only thing that will straighten out that jagged line.  You have to take the first step and then it's all time, baby.  Ugh, this blog is rough.  This is not saying anything direct at all.  I guess I still have a lot to learn and overcome.  Man, this isn't easy. 

I'm holding up my glass now.  To the first steps, and continual steps after that.  Cheers.

lines of communication

Communication-
college def.--a process of transferring information from one entity to another. Processes which are nonverbal and verbally mediated interactions between at least two agents which share a repertoire of signs and semiotic rules.
real life def.--something that holds all forms of relationships together.  If it is lost at any moments a gap can be formed causing distress, unhappiness, confusion, and often the end of something true and real.

Today, I saw a viewpoint of communication through a 40yr old unhappily married man.  The sadness in his face and the glass look in his eyes told the real life definition of the word.  The phrase in which is souly responsible for his confusion and loss.

Today, I saw a small viewpoint of a 20yr old just like myself who hasn't quite developed a full personal definition for the word but most definitely knew what it wasn't.

Today, the silver lining. . . amongst the hardship of my own miscommunicated life, knowing the value of communication whether it is strong or weak, it must be present or all else fails.

Tree line

Our first Christmas tree extravaganza!  

Fun times in the Pines!

Success!  

War of my Life

Silver linings are extremly difficult to find in a time where most are thankful they are surrounded by family.  That being said, I found a song.  It's lyrics hit me so deep and I am entiernally thankful for music.  It's a musical staff line that brings me to my knees in tears of saddness and joy.  Here's to music. 

I've got a hammer



And a heart of glass


I got to know right now


Which walls to smash

It's something that most people understand by only some will be touched in the deepest part of their hearts.  To them, I'm with you.

Rhythmic Line

 Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love.

Ocean Line

Today I managed to screw up dinner, sealing the windows for winter, finding a new pair of jeans, deciding on a black pair of sneakers for work, and probably all sorts of little things. Today, I wasn't going to blog, that's for sure.  But in the midst of all my insanity and my own self pity, a movie presented itself that shed light upon my dreary day of dead ends.  Disney's disneynature movie called "Oceans".  I love the ocean. The fish. The whales. The preditors.  The undiscovered. The over discovered. The exstinct. The endangered. The evolving.  The entire ocean has my heart.  I give money to ocean projects and charities whenever possible and I am a proud contributor to Fish Magazine which supports and helps sustain fish habitats in Indonesia.  Regardless, the ocean, once again, made my line very clear.  See the movie.  Rent it. Buy it. Love it. Cherish it. Share it with others.  You won't regret it. The ocean will thank you.

 

macro line

Macro is one of my favorite settings on my camera. 

 I feel like it holds a small part of a big idea. 

The inspiration that taking macro pictures gives me is something I can never explain well,

but I like to show it instead. 

Here you go.

Enjoy.

bye-line

i guess this is goodbye.

silver lining: relief



Animal Line

Frosty line of yellow

As I looked out the window this morning, trying to embrace the 8am class that was supposed to inspire me, I realized that there was a simple beautiful that covered the roof tops from the building across from ours. Frost. A slight amount of frost rested ever so lightly upon each and every surface outside. It was 6:45am. It was beautiful. It was inspiring. Halloween is over, out with the moldy pumpkins and in with the cornacopias, bring on Fall merging to winter season. Happy Holidays everyone!

Vote on the line

Today's Message is simple.  Vote.  Voting is something that brings us together, regardless of political views.  Crazy thought, hey?  Hear me out.  Voting, in the literal sense brings us to one place, whether it be a university, a town hall, a city building, or wherever you vote, all of us go to that place to put our two-cents in to our government.  Whatever the vote may be for, you are participating.  You, are making your contribution.  You are a good citizen.  Vote.  Love. Engage.

T-line.



A picture I took after class of my book that I read all through lecture.

 Thoughts. An idea from a book I've been reading called, "It's kind of a funny story" by Ned Vizzini.  There are many points in the novel where the main character is thinking and it got me thinking, ironically. Thoughts.  I am so thankful to be able to think creatively. 


I had this English teacher in high school that challeneged me to think outside of the box so far that I was in pain at some moments.  This teacher made such a difference in my thought process for critical thinking.  Little did I know or realize that this teacher allowed me to challenge my everyday thoughts too.  My perspective of the world. 


Although I graduated in 2008, and it's nearing the end of 2010, I'm glad I realized it before it was too late to use it.  Today, thinking.  Thoughts. Critical analysis.  Without those, I would just be an average 20 year old with a shallow and selfish mind.  Thank you.

Coffee Bean Lines

There are many times throughout the week that I claim I need coffee or I can't get through the day or even the next few hours.  Although I may feel that this is true, it's only the pure reliance that I have with the idea of drinking coffee and the whole Starbucks experience.  Does it improve my mood, yes.  Does it make me happy, always.  Does the adventure excite me, sure. 

It may be hard for some to understand that a $4 drink can bring something like happiness and satisfaction, and for others this is an easily understood concept, espeically those city slickers. Regardless of whether you like coffee, drink it often, or stick to creamers at your local barista bar, you feel it too.  You feel the smooth jazz or soft rock music playing lightly in the background, you can understand the atmosphere and the people who sip there.  Coffee is essential.  I am okay with it.  Silver lining? It is more of a green line today.  The green line that circles my iced coffee venti from my local Starbucks.  Happiness.  Bliss.

Perfect Lining

I feel that the more perfect the weather the more perfect my life seems. Of course, there are certain things that pull me back to reality but let's be honest, there is no place I'd rather be than my own pure reality.

Silver lining: this perfect weather. It is what you make it.

Your Own Line!

Today's silver lining is simple. 
I'm sick of seeing my friend's or not-so-friend-friend's facebook status's be quotes or music lyrics. 
Write your own feelings.  Be creative. 
Nothing is more spot on than your own expression. 
Try it!  It is an amazing and fullfilling feeling. 
Night world. Whoever you are.

if you really knew me

After watching the MTV special of "If You Really Knew Me...", I realized that many people, young or old, have similar backgrounds, family history, emotions, and thoughts. 

My silver lining is the similarities in our differences as people.

If you really knew me...

You'd know that I want the love and acceptance of my father more than anything but I am not willing to participate in getting it.  I want him to love me on his own terms and I would sacrifice a lot for it.  You would know that the further along in school that I get, the less I love him.

Twin Lines

September 11, 2001 was a day that I will never forget.  I think about it more than just on it's anniversary and I feel such vivid memories of that day because of it's significant impact upon our beautiful country.  It was the only time that I remember everyone as one.  Everyone was an American, sad for our country. 

It was almost as if we were all joined for an entire day or two and that there was no barrier of discrimination.  Of course it didn't take long before the fingers began pointing in certain directions but as an 11yr old.  I felt a sense of peace that I will never forget.  Everyday we are fighting for peace, equality, laws, and other things of great importance but for those couple days the United States only had one thing on its' mind.

Like I said, I will never forget that day.  The line for tomorrow and today and every day in between is that when the twin towers fell, America rose.  We rose to the occasion of peace and equality.  America's ability to show and prove that, that is possible is my silver lining. 

Reality v. Fantasy

... reality, it is so much more interesting than happily ever after ...(Meredith from Grey's)


I love this quote because, simply, it's exactly how I feel about my life.  When I feel as though I'm living in happily ever after, I yawn at my own pathetic excuse for an adventurous life. Life is about living.  In happily ever after...they never make sequels...except for Shrek but they are Ogers and that makes them realistic.  Catch my drift?  I really hope so. 

All in all, my line today is about my own happy reality that is perfectly imperfect.  PERFECTO!!!!

An Unpretentious Smile

    Relationships are hard to maintain, manage, understand, and be successful at; however there are relationships, every so often one will happen with such ease that it doesn't feel like that of a relationship at all.  This is not an intimate relationship that I speak of.  I am speaking of the kind with heart, loyalty, and a genuine interest in the person just because they are a friendly and amusing human being. 
    I have made a new friend.  She is enthusiastic, kind, loyal, funny, smart, independent, and has a smile that speak a thousand stories.  We will call her Jill for the sake of privacy.  Crazy Internet creepers nowadays. 
Jill, had touched me and my perspective of people more then most that I come across.  The unpretentious smile that she gives off so easily to complete strangers amazes me.  A genuine and truthful smile is not only rare to see but extremely hard to do.  Why?  I am unsure. 

   Getting back to the point of this blog...silver lining...

The ability to smile at total strangers and the rare occasion of finding a friend that intrigues you to learn more about them and others around you is my line.  This line is long, spotty, and one that I plan on developing and exploring more.   Not because it's interesting and a learning experience but more so because having a new friend that makes you genuinely happy is difficult to find, so when you do...hang on tight.

Minimum Wage

Minimum wage, 25 hours a week, and nothing but a good reference and a few extra people skills to come from it...my job was my silver lining today.  Through all of the stresses that have been happening throughout the last couple of weeks, the people at my work were willing to listen, care, and be of some help.  I am happy to say that this is a very appreciated but short silver line.  Thank you co-workers for all that you do and all that you don't realize you do.
-that was easy-

Silver Poetry

How is anyone suppose to know the answers to right and wrong?

How is a little girl suppose to stay so strong?

Will the world uncover it's little secrets before your very eyes?

Or will it fail to speak the truth and give you nothing but lies?

How will we know when we're working too much or for too long?

How will we know if we're being made fun of or if we truly belong?

All of these questions are hard to discover but we'll take it day by day.

After all, it's our life, and we don't have to live any certain way.
 
That poem was written when I was sitting in an English class my senior year of high school.  I was struggling with a lot of inside confusion about the world around me and I came to realize today as  I stumbled upon my poetry that I was going to write some poetry today.  Inspiration is something I thrive to find every single day.  Inspiration is my silver lining and it just so happens that I gave myself my own inspiration. :)

Imperfect lines.

    As I was sitting on the couch with two new friends, I realized something that I have never realized before.  There is a sense of beauty in an fragile and broken girl.  As one of my new friends was sitting before me, I could see her insecurity through her smile, feel her uneasiness when she accidentally said something serious, and it was near impossible to miss her desperate need for human comfort and acceptance.  As she opened up and answer questions out of a "chat pack" (a deck of cards with a random question that allows you to break the ice with others), I had a sense of something so raw, so real, that I couldn't even focus on anything else but her.  She is a beautiful and successful and smart young women who doesn't have a clue how amazing she truly is.

    My silver lining, earlier today, was going to be how light hearted and non-connected work relationships are and how nice that is to just have another human being who is completely unconnected from all other outputs of your life other than work, but when my new friend was opening herself up to me and the other girl, I changed my silver lining instantaneously.  The line today, vulnerability.  The ability to be scared of showing your true self and your intuitiveness to others that only know one very small and vague side of you.  Vulnerability.  The beauty in imperfection.

A Distant Line Moves Closer

    Having Faith has always been something I've been good at.  I'm so liberal minded that having faith was one of the easiest things I could do in my life.  Faith in God; however was always a different story.  When I was in sixth grade I always thought that I had God figured out.  When I'd shoot hoops or play on the playground by myself, God was with me.  I would talk out loud as though he was physically there with me.  We were best friends, God and I.

It seems as though the more education I received the more distant my relationship and belief in God drifted.  Nowadays, I barely think about religion or God unless it's served on the platter before me. 

    I have begun to research things about lost religion and I had read a couple of poems of a time when God was a present part of  my life and I came to find an odd difference in my view of the world.  Faith.  I had faith in a lot more than the little things in life.  Religion gave me a sense of security, love, and loyalty.  To be frank, I feel pathetic that I ever let education be my excuss for a divide in my life and my religion.  Education should have made me realize that believing in something, real or not, is worth it.  To believe is to be successful even when you fail.  To believe in something is to understand it's imperfections and appreciate that it isn't perfect, and yet, that makes it perfect. 

   As for the point, the distant line of faith is closing in, my silver lining is more distinct today: faith.  Hope. Grace.  My mother's middle name is Hope.  My sister's middle name is Grace (I helped choose that) and faith, is something they both have in me, God, and life.  Therefore, my silver line is my newly and growing discovery of my lost faith.

A technical line

The past few days have been halfway decent and exciting and it is days like that when it becomes very easy, multiple times throughout the day, to find my silver lines.  Today; however, has started out stressful and uneasy. 

Calling a hundred different people with no clue as to the whereabouts of my placement test scores that I needed faxed to my new college, was only the beginning.  I searched and signed up for classes that made me realize school was soon to begin again.  I continued to organize the school supplies that I just bought and that set my mind at ease because, well, who doesn't love school supplies!?  ha. 

So you're probably asking what my silver lining was through all of this...it's simple really.  Being fortunate enough to have my grandparents full support and approval for changing schools and not giving up.  They both have such faith in me and my education and I feel like they may be more sure than I am at times.  The line today, more specifically is my new school.  Fox Valley Technical College.  Let the learning begin!

My silver lining came in black today, with a smile and a squeaky toy in his mouth.  Prince, our friend Sam's dog, is here for the weekend while she visits her boyfriend who is currently recovering from a horrible car accident.  Prince is a three year old black lab and he is full of energy and spunk.  Prince makes Kate and I smile and laugh all day long.  He gives each of us something to do and take care of while the other is away at work.  It is by no means all play with a younger dog but it is always rewarding.  Today, I did not so much need a silver lining as I appreciated having on to pin point instead. 

A hard line

Today is my brother Levi's birthday.  He is nine years old now.  It is a hard day because I was not invited to a birthday party or a family get together that usually takes place every year.  It's hard.  Plain and simple.  As I remember this day nine years ago when he was resting in his crib at the Oconomowoc Memorial Hospital, it occurs to me how young nine years old really is.  I barely remember my day to day life when I was nine.  I am not there to experience his success and hardships.  He knows that I love him.  I know that he loves me.  The pain of being absent today eats me up inside like a stomach worm just devouring through my intestine line.  Intestine line.  Silver line.  What is my silver lining today?  What is it?  hmm... 

And yet another

The silver lining today was something that has been a grey cloud over my head for quite some time.  It is one of those things in your heart that keeps you up at night and pulls on your legs when you're taking a rest from a long walk.  The silver lining was love.  The ability to not love, actually.  That, is what has keep me strong over the past three years without the support of my dad and step-mom.  The love that I thought they had for me diminished but instead of making that a grey could over my head today, I turned it into something that another person could relate to and thus, I made a friend.  So, you see, my misfortune of uncaring parents gained me someone that does care.  Silver lining prevails again.

The first silver line

Today was one of those days where every one you looked at was having a bad day.
Was it the grey in the sky? 
The chill of the wind? 
Or simply a coincidence?
Whatever the reason, it was present.  I may be only 20 years old but I have come to learn very quickly that people, Americans, more specifically feel that they need a quick-fix for everything in life.  Whether it be a faster check out lane, more items to choose from, or someone to literally tell them what to pick, they always need the fastest and most inexpensive way to fix whatever problem they presently have.  The problem that I found with that 'need' is that if other people need the exact same thing, then how are we suppose to help others.  I mean, if I want more pay and less work hours, how am I suppose to sufficiently help someone who needs a quick print or enlarged photo?  I can't.  I wouldn't have the training, the patience, or the care to help. 
Even though today was one of 'those' days.  I still wanted to help.  My job is minimum wage, not a ton of training and pretty basic in assisting our customers needs, but I still truthfully wanted to help. 
No matter how chilly the wind or grey the sky, I want to help people. 
Hopefully, there are a few other people in the world who feel the same way in their heart.  I can only hope.  And with my hope, was my silver lining. 


My silver lining, to help.  All ways.  Always.